To my friends against the recent anti-Trump protests…

To my friends against the recent anti-trump protests…
Let me first express how I think healthy discussion and debate is a right we should all be utilizing right now. It is important to discuss the many issues, fears and future plans of the country now more than ever. Now, to my letter:
I have heard many people express their annoyance and even disgust over the anti-trump protests that have popped up over the U.S. within the past week and a half…
As an NYC resident, I have firsthand experienced the implicit inclusivity in NYC and how it exists in our city more than in rural areas. In NYC, we have no choice but to be on top of each other and see what melting pot we live in. Problems like poverty and police violence or gun laws, or immigration directly affect all of us in NYC way more than those in smaller towns with less access to diversity. Because we are so diverse, we are the loud and opinionated minority of individuals who decided it was worth the effort to show the rest of the world we don’t like what our new president has planned for the country, which so far has led to protesting for the past week and a half.
An interesting summary from M. Huemer’s book, The Problem of Political Authority: An Examination of the Right to Coerce and the Duty to Obey:
There are four types of implicit consent which citizens can give their governments: passive consent, acceptance of benefits, consent through presence, and consent through participation. In this case, we have a large majority of people who voted for trump who are not racist or xenophobic, not misogynistic or islamaphobic, but instead are accepting the outcome of the U.S. government by way 1. of CONSENT through PRESENCE 2. as well as exhibiting PASSIVE CONSENT. Consent through presence is actually something we as citizens of the U.S. do not have control over…Ie being a U.S. citizen means paying your taxes, having a passport, keeping track of your identity within the state and so on. Because we must pay taxes and have other legal duties to the state, most of us must perform our consent through presence or else be legally persecuted/become a refugee. However, passive consent is a different story. PASSIVE CONSENT implies that citizens agree with their government because they do not oppose their government. This passivity hinges on the majority thinking their opinion will not matter in the long run. When a citizen gives passive consent to the government, this implies that the changes within the government would not affect the citizen in a detrimental way that will decrease their level of satisfaction and/or their personal life.

 

All that really means there is just a choice: you either stand for the community of the oppressed or you don’t. Protesting is just the CRUX of the embodiment of this American RIGHT, and I will say this again, if we don’t stand up and find our community of accepting and passionate individuals now, when the time comes to fight against the new laws Trump plans to put in place, we will lack the structure or maturity as a group to get the job done. So keep up the fight for racial/women’s/LGBTQIA equality, immigrant rights, the fight against global warming, for tighter regulation on banks, better gun control laws, and so on.
I’m honestly embarrassed to not have spoken up sooner, but it must be better to get active now than to stay silent.
TLDR; Active discussion/progression and an advocate for morality//over passive consent. I would love to discuss what we all can do as a next step (protesting can only get us so far!), so we can all come to a greater understanding of what it should mean to be a U.S. citizen.

When in NOLA, gain a drinking problem and become louder than you should be

Why go to NOLA this time?
Is it for clarity? Don’t think so…
This trip spawned out of a long-standing desire to tell a girl I’ve had a crush on for years now about my feeling for her (she happens to live in NOLA). I’m ready to say it, either to get it off my back or start something new. I am horny and confused and shameful and everything in between.
Turns out she is moving to NYC at the beginning of August. This obsession will either grow or finally release me. I have someone, a special someone as of a week ago. And I think I could really like her. The 180 feeling of finding someone I like who is a girl is that I feel incredibly dirty, less than. I cannot tell what this relationship will become, but my darkness is heavy and ashamed of itself again. My internalized homophobia makes me feel tainted with the word “waste” heavy on my tongue.

“Feeling filth in my skin cake and crust within like the dingy in the middle of an open ocean” I’m quoting myself I don’t know why I’m quoting myself in real time like it’s some song I’ve written or heard or something.

**Things synonymous with my anxiety and internalized homophobia: heavy, darkness, less than, road-side haunting, forgotten, wasteful

image

I got a nose ring and I think I look great with it. Let’s see if my job cares at all, hopefully not.

Incomplete

imagePlease someone shake me awake before it’s too late
All this insignificance builds up in my throat like it’s supposed to mean something
My arms shudder with waves of cold from my blood
Back in the hole again
Like Aristotle looking in
My mind will eat itself and make my body wish it were dead
Where is the meaning in it
My eyes are numb, I’ve snipped the chord connecting my eyes to my heart
But we still are here
And again
And again
Here

purging

Maybe it’s the way the memories mesh together into one mess, or the fact that we aren’t together anymore, but your eyes make me want to cry.

Like a sad love song that never was, would you choose me if I never hurt you? Would you still be with me if I never hurt you? I will never know. Only desire//Burning desire//The flames that lick me all over.

I don’t want to feel this desire, I am ashamed, I broke up with YOU. My pride will keep me from ever telling you these feelings linger on. How would I win you back? And would I want you back when I won you back? You’re a shell of a memory to my sex dream archive. Why do I want your body? I don’t want to want your body. And I have someone I am mad with desire about…let me go, jealousy//ft fantasy. I do not trust you to lead me to proper judgement.

This feeling does not go away, I will push it away. I will actively will it away. What I do not want. I do not want. NO NO NO. I have a good thing going, and a photograph on social media is an impostor’s portrait. We can only trust what is in front of us. And I have beauty in front of me, minor illusion.

Leave me be, leave me be, leave me be, unwanted thoughts. I write to forget. I write to purge.

haven’t written in a while

I sit here in front of this computer, trying to wring out my thoughts so as to clean my dirty lazy mind of the muck and cobwebs its accumulated in the past months. Self-maintenance is, in my opinion, next to Godliness. There is nothing more powerful we can do but control our own mind, and the way in which we harness time, effort, and self-awareness.

 

Am I becoming a robot? Do I seem cold to you? I seem to have less and less people around me to bounce ideas off of. I have forsaken a lot of free time with friends to hang with one friend, my boyfriend, whom I have been with for the past four months. I haven’t been apart from him for more than two days at a time since we began dating, and we rarely see each other less than 5 days a week. In short, we are inseparable. However, recently, I’ve been feeling this sudden and distinct pang of anxiety about us. It started as a whisper, when we had our first “fight”. I use quotation marks because our “fight” was basically just both of us getting quiet and serious with one another, and then subsequently talking out what exactly got on our nerves until we felt better.

 

He’s always been good with communication. That’s probably one of my favorite things about him—he’s emotionally mature and also incredibly self-aware. However, recently we’ve pushed each other’s buttons by giving away too much information about previous relationships which may have set off some uneasy feelings about one another. There have been new moments within the day where I’ve been guilty for things I’d never have thought I’d need to explain to someone: “We tried anal sex,” or “I’ve dated and had sex with women” suddenly seem like they could be perceived as shameful, though he has been fairly accepting up to this point.

 

What could be influencing the anxiety is where things get tricky. It’s very hard to say where or when the feeling arises. No denying it does, and when the anxiety kicks in, it’s hard to let go of it or to accomplish much of anything. I want to just spiral into a ball of darkness, existing in the pit of despair I knew so well at my darkest hour of suffering. It’s strange how the body can recall feelings once it’s made a file on it. This feeling can be labeled: depressed. And I don’t HATE feeling depressed perhaps, but I do feel guilty about my depression when it dictates my behavior.

 

I am probing myself because I need to be in certain communication with myself about how I feel about things. I deserve to be in “the know” about my own reality, and not just a passenger in my own life.

 

That being said, I wish I had more testosterone. I was listening to “This American Life” today, and the most recent podcast explored the different relationships people can have with testosterone. One person, without the ability to create testosterone, and how it changed his perception on things, and another, a transgender male and his transition using T. Overall, the reaction to testosterone is that the hormone makes people feel more gutsy, confident, ready to take risks. It’s easy to get down on yourself about not trying hard enough or not reaching your goals, but what if you had the gall to reach your goals without the extra daily internal struggle?

 

I fight with myself about confidence daily, in little ways. I hate to admit it but I am not at the heart of who I am a confident person. I always feel at risk for losing my voice, and because of this I seldom jump into situations where I could be misrepresented or misjudged. In short, I don’t take as many risks, and I lose out on a lot of possibilities because of it.

 

I am a cowardly person. But I can’t stop going, or else I’ll lose everything I’ve ever created for myself. And I want to be happy. So badly, I want everything to fall into place and always be there for me. At the end of the day, I know it will all eventually go away, so I brace myself for the let down. In the meantime, I guess I need to remind myself to enjoy the ride. This moment will eventually leave us, me, whoever the fuck stumbled upon this delete-able content, and we can never hold onto the things we love the most. That’s for certain. So why not take stock of the inevitable while we’re here investing time in emotional balance?

 

Higher mind: I will lose everything eventually. I understand the finality of all the things I enjoy and have come to love. Therefore, when they eventually leave me, I am not shocked or hurt, but I look back on the lessons learned from the thing or person I loved and can only express a sigh of relief in knowing the time spent with that thing or person was legitimate and did in fact happen.

 

Aggressive earthly mind: Go for what you need, need what you love, this is where you design your life and your ambition belongs in the way you interact with the people you care about most. You need to fight for the people you care about. Know your worth, and never lose focus on what you want. Don’t trust fall into the abyss of “everything will eventually leave me” because then you’ll have no one at all to have leave you, for lack of not trying anything risky at all.

 

I haven’t been myself recently. Or maybe I have, and this is where the real work begins…I don’t want to lose out on this opportunity, not this time. This guy is too good to lose, and I can’t give up on him, or myself for that matter. We both deserve happiness, and my fight against my anxiety is something I’ll have to learn to fight and breathe through for the rest of my life. I really hope I can get over whatever emotional rut I feel I’ve been in recently. Luckily, this writing helps. It’s a relief to be able to create something cohesive which sounds and feels inexplicably real, and at its deepest truth, this is who I am.

 

tldr; A glimpse into the mind of someone who is constantly checking in with himself or herself, aka me.

Fucking fuck, though

Angry, voiceless thing, why do you try to holler? You have no voice, and no friend in your corner. Do you refer to the darkness, your long lost friend, and cash the rest of your effort in paying off dues you thought made sense in the womb when you signed up for life? Yes, voiceless thing, keep going, you owe the world your hide. Despite your comfort in death, you still have much to grieve for.

I got my IUD inserted at a Planned Parenthood in California, and this is what happened

I have had such anxiety about birth control.. I am the girl who tried the Nuvaring for A DAY and had adverse reactions that still have been plaguing me: the day I put the Nuvaring in, I became an emotional and anxious wreck. I must have been on the verge of an anxiety attack the entire day, until I finally called my mom sobbing. “I have to take it out, mom, I’m going crazy and I don’t feel like myself.”

 

“So just take it out,” she said. “It isn’t worth it to lose your personal happiness over this.” She was right. It wasn’t worth it. But I felt weak. I was the one who signed up for triathlons after my father’s passing, the one who always chose the fight instead of flight, and now because of a low-dosage of hormones, my once strong persona was falling apart.

 

I had been planning on going to California for a while. This trip was my escape since October, I had known I’d pick up a bag and take a hike out of NYC. However, the past few days have been anything but relaxing. Over the past two days I’ve been here, I got confirmation of a new job I would be starting on the 17th, I have been signing up for classes for the new semester at college (still haven’t been able to sign up because of a hold that is on my account, so I’m still technically on hold and may not get into classes because of one person who will NOT pick up the phone to confirm I am indeed a student with a real identity and social security card). I have been subsequently speaking with Cali friends and making plans to meet up, I’ve been trying to see Cali and get a good glimpse of the area to see if in fact I could end up living here, and in total I’ve been spending way too much money here just to park and eat and breathe in this gold-studded LA experience. So far, this place is a shit skid mark that has made me more anxious than I could have imagined.

 

I am currently sitting in Planned Parenthood Hollywood as I write this. The wait time is 3 hours and I kid you not, I am at the point where I am willing to wait that long just to get this IUD inserted. I have a boyfriend now, and a new job, and am in the position where I can get the IUD and not have to move around too much for the next 5 days. This is the ideal time to get the IUD inserted, as I start my job when I get back to NYC. I will relax and recover in the comfort of LA, San Francisco, or wherever the fuck I can. I just need to drive. I need to breathe. LA is making me anxious. Or maybe it’s me. It’s probably me. And the flaming margaritas I had last night.

 

But to increase my anxiety around the Planned Parenthood experience, I have learned about a MAJOR fallacy in the insurance system. Planned Parenthood, the single major female care provider, known for taking anyone who needs help and working with them to pay for care, has told me they cannot work with my insurance for the IUD insertion procedure. In total, it would cost over $1000, and yes, my insurance has a deductible and I will have to pay for it out of pocket. Therefore, even though my insurance is PPO, which means it wouldn’t matter what state I’m in when receiving care from a doctor, I am forced to pay in full.

 

Planned Parenthood, making it hard for women to be women. I don’t fully blame them. Look I get it, insurance in general could be better. But isn’t it just so hilarious how hard being a female is? How hard it is just to NOT get pregnant? All I am is in a different state, and this is what happens. Yes, I get that this is how insurance works, yes, I can wait a bit longer to get the IUD, and there are bigger problems to deal with in the world with mine right now. I get it. This is a blip on the radar in the long run. But this shit really has got me angry. How hard is it to insert an IUD, and aren’t you supposed to be a female doctor’s office for ALL women, regardless of their insurance provider? How does this add up, and why is it that I have to pay $1000 for an IUD when it should be free for everyone?

 

When It Rains

This past week, I have broken contact with a long-distance lust, terminated my 2-weeks notice as a bartender, gotten a job interview for a preschool job, started a new relationship, and laid my fathers ashes to rest in the family moselium. I’m tired.

I invite the challenge of ease into my life. I invite the challenge of ease into my life. I breathe the challenge of ease into my life. I am ready for new things. Bring it on.

 

Turn Around to See Me See You Go

I feel degenerate, foggy, groggy, make no mistake these words are my own but barely.

I haven’t thought like myself in days, especially since you left.

The skies cleared for an instant, and love, no, like, no, love, became apparent

and maybe I am foolish for thinking

My hard shell wouldn’t tear in two when you swiftly flew

Bye for now, just for now, we said and my heart shattered in a few chunky pieces

I knew I couldn’t go back, I didn’t want to

Better to feel the full thing and know what it is to live

than to wear armor and consider numbness a “winning” habit

Better to know you’re out there feeling the same way too,

and maybe one day I’ll find my mermaid on concrete soil

If you say it so, we should be happier then

I’ll find what I need, and I know it now

It is you, but here,

With me.